Coming to You Soon!

“Watch Your Mailbox!
I just wanted to let you know that today I received my 2012 Social Security Stimulus Package…….
It contained:

  • two tomato seeds,
  • cornbread mix,
  • a prayer rug,
  • a machine to blow smoke up my ass,
  • 2 discount coupons to KFC,
  • an “Obama Hope & Change” bumper sticker,
  • and a “Blame it on Bush” poster for the front yard.

The directions were in Spanish. Yours should be coming around the pike real soon!!”

I would have put this in the joke section because it is funny, but funny often provides a lot of grist for the mill. Sure, we should be more self-reliant by growing our own tomatoes. But do self-reliance and  making cornbread from a box-mix? Doing for ourselves AT THE SAME TIME AS having someone do for us by making CORNBREAD FROM A BOX? This needs to have sparked a national dialog 50 years ago, though my mind is pretty well made-up. I know, what a cliché to hang my hat onto,  “my mind is made up, don’t confuse me with the facts!”

Then we have the prayer rug which says to me that SOMEONE doesn’t think that we all tolerate people of other religions well; OR DOES IT? Other religions were ‘around’ well-before Christianity, which is one of the newest religions on the earth.  I know for myself, that I want others to tolerate my faith just like I tolerate theirs, that religion is a very personal thing. Government has no business in the religious preferences business; just as it has no business in the sexual preference ‘market.’   They only reason the government has ANY reason in these ‘arenas’ is when freedoms granted to us by the Constitution are at stake.

We fell for the ‘hope and change’ stuff 3 1/2 years ago and found out the hard way that it really meant ‘MORE OF POLITICS AS USUAL.’ Actually, it meant worsening of politics as usual as the pols we often deal with are Chicago-style politicians who for the most part, know one loyalty: MONEY.

Discount tickets for KFC. Deep-fried, the more calories, the better? But, what about Michelle Obama‘s war on obesity. Has this been trumped by ‘the-more-people-who-keel-over-of-a-heart-attack, the-fewer-people-have-to-be-covered-by-Obamacare-or-a-single-payer-system?’

The ‘BLAME IT ON BUSH poster for the front yard seeks to remind us of EVERYTHING  that we’ve heard of in the last 3 1/2 years; ‘INHERIT’ is another ‘catch-all!’ What about a increasing a 10 trillion dollar debt to $15 dollars is palatable by ANYONE’S standards. That same $5 trillion dollar debt was unpatriotic in the past; but why is it acceptable now?

The defense attorney and his client

“I have good news and bad news,” a defence attorney told his client.

“First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene.”

“Oh, no!” cried the client. “What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is down to 150.”

Queen Elizabeth II speaks to the US:

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (Look up ‘vocabulary’).

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. (Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public).

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed, not with ketchup, but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football.  There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game that is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

There are exceptions

This part of “Sleepless in Seattle” shows how may women experience romance in a film. Yes, we get weak in the knees!  Although, not a classic film, there are time-honored truths in the feminine response to a romantic film and a jokingly ‘tear jerker’ masculine  response to a different situation.

Here, in the movie “Sleepless in Seattle,” a character reflects on a classic film, “An Affair to Remember,” after the son of a widower arranges a meeting between his widowed father and an imaginary mother at the top of the Empire state building on Valentine’s Day. Do men get teary-eyed at war films?

The second video shows the men’s joking response to this and  how they felt at another older movie.

Paddy’s Sister

Paddy’s pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer  pregnant.Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replied, “you had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. However they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately, so your brother Paddy came in and named them.”

The woman thought to herself, ‘oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother. He’s a clueless idiot…’

Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, “well, what’s my daughter’s name?”

“Denise.” said the doctor.

The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to herself, ‘wow, that’s a really beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother, I really like Denise.’

Then she asked, “what’s the boy’s name?”

 

THIS WAS REBLOGGED FROM OYLA BROWN

The doctor replied, “Denephew”.


The Little Red Hen

Once upon a time, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat. She called all of her neighbors together and said, “If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?””

Not I,” said the cow.”Not I,” said the duck.”Not I,” said the pig.”Not I,” said the goose.

“Then I will do it by myself,” said the little red hen, and so she did. The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.

“Who will help me reap my wheat?” asked the little red hen.

“Not I,” said the duck., “Out of my classification,” said the pig., “I’d lose my seniority,” said the cow., “I’d lose my unemployment compensation,” said the goose.

“Then I will do it by myself,” said the little red hen, and so she did. At last it came time to bake the bread. “Who will help me bake the bread?” asked the little red hen.

“That would be overtime for me,” said the cow., “I’d lose my welfare benefits,” said the duck., “I’m a dropout and never learned how,” said the pig. “If I’m to be the only helper, that’s discrimination,” said the goose.

“Then I will do it by myself,” said the little red hen. She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, “No, I shall eat all five loaves.”

“Excess profits!” cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)

Capitalist leech!” screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)

“I demand equal rights!” yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)

The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy) And they all painted “Unfair!” picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, “You must not be so greedy.”

“But I earned the bread,” said the little red hen.

“Exactly,” said Barack the farmer. “That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle.” And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen,who clucked, “I am grateful, for now I truly understand.”

But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the “party” and got her bread free.

And all the Democrats smiled. “Fairness” had been established.

Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared…so long as there was free bread that “the rich” were paying for.

EPILOGUE– Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs. Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That’s $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn’t remember anything.

IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?